"It's been such a long time since I last heard anything from you.. And quite frankly, I miss you like crazy! I miss you like I miss the sunshine and light when winter in Sweden, like I miss my apartment and my own bed after being somewhere else for a really long time...I miss reading your letters, even the ones that so often made me cry and my heart ache when reading about your broken heart. I miss laughing and smiling when reading all about your adventures and all of the silly girlstuff we always told eachother throughout the years. I miss the way I could share everything with you without ever feeling like you were judging me like everyone else always seems to do. I miss it all more than I can possibly explain.

Babygirl, how are you? Know studies are keeping you very busy - as my job is keeping me busy - but I really do hope everything's going well and that you're happy. If there's one thing in this world you truly deserve, it's happiness. Real Happiness. Have you found it yet, sis? Have you started living or are you still waiting?
I think I have. Found IT I mean. Happiness and all of that. For once in my life I've finally made peace with myself; the declaration of war is now thrown away and gone. Not saying it's always easy and that I never have to struggle to not declare another war against myself, but you know... When I truly think about it and ask myself if I'm happy with my life... I can't say no.
I may not be in my perfect dream relationship, I still dont look like Angelina nor Halle, my job gives me more hard times and headaches than I can count, my boss-boss is a dick and I still don't know for sure what to do with my life when I go back to Sweden in November... But you know what? It doesn't really matter.
I've finally realised that it doesn't really matter if things aren't perfect (perfect would probably be boring anyways!) and you know why?
Cos it's all about ME. My life is all about me. In the end of the day it's not important what everyone else may think or say about me, cos I'm living (or at least trying hard to) every day to the fullest. I'm free, I'm alive, I function.. And I'm vunerable. Still I feel so invincible, like there's nothing, no one that can stop me now - it's all up to me and I'm not gonna let anybody mess with my life anymore. Never again.
I'm living - and hell yes I get in trouble all the time - but I'm actually living! I've learnt to follow my heart, I'm trying to reach my dreams and I'm nowadays always staying true to myself. I'm free. Do you really need that much more? I mean like really-really?
I dont know. I don't think I do anyways. Just took me 21 years to realise that all I really need is a bit of confidence, lot of hope in that things will sort themselves out in the end and balls to take the chances and opportunities when they show. Jump.

Well.. Okey Kels, let's talk about my bf, we'll call him Mr. R here.  Taurus, 21 years old, spanish, chef, flamenco singer, driven, kind, generous, helpful, passionate... He's great in so many ways. A bit too serious, analytic and dramatic at times, but great. And I do think I love him in some weird I-love-you-but-I-love-me-more-kinnda-way... We've been together pretty much the whole summer and we've had a lots of ups and downs... He's crazy about me. In a way that sometimes makes me feel really sad and bad about all of this. Not cos I dont feel the same way really, but cos I know I can't stay here. I won't.
He can't leave cos of work until 2012 and I'm surely not gonna stay that long in Spain no matter how much I love this island. I wanna move to London, study, travel and see the rest of the world, meet new people, fall, learn from it, rise again.. Grow. I wanna live my dreams. I wanna live MY life and be mine, mine, MINE. My decisions to make, what to do, where to go and when. Do I sound egoistic? I suppose I am. But honestly, I love my freedom way too much to give it up for someone else. I actually sometimes think that I'll never be able to love someone like that again - enough to give it all up for him. It's like I've given so much of myself, maybe too much sometimes, and now I'm starting to run out of things to give to other people in that way. It's like I've spent it all. On Mr J, on Mr G... And now it's my turn.
Now it's all for me. The time, the space, the attention. After all, I'm living for me, am I not?
It sounds really sad, I know, but let's face it - it's the simple and super honest truth this time. I LOVE being me, mine, myself & free too much to give it away. Maybe someday it'll all change again..? But not today. Not yet.
And after all, I'm perfectly fine with it. It's just sad and unlucky for the poor guys that happens to fall for me and me for them. Them always thinking that if they only give me all they've got, then maybe, maybe someday I'll wake up and change my mind about everything... Me knowing that I am me and that the days when I changed for a guy has gone.

Maybe I should wear a huuuuge and bright red sign or tattoo saying: WARNING! THIS CHICK WILL NEVER BE 100% YOURS. (But always be a bit Mr J's and Mr G's)

The guys in my life I'll never stop "What-If-ing". But I'm cool with that. My life does no longer revolve around them, therefor I can accept the fact that there will always be pieces of me that simply belongs to the two of them. But life goes on...

Well near-sis.. This letter became a lot more of a blog post than the silly little letter I intented to write to you, saying I miss you and telling you about my adventures over here to make you smile and laugh and cry. Like we used to.

But after all... Haven't you always been like a diary to me and I've been yours? And that's why you - like them two boys - will always be a missing part of me when you're not "around". I love you.

And I always, always will. As I always will be here, waiting for a letter, hoping you're well, wishing you all the good one can get from life. You're a part of me, Kels and just like the rest of the angels I've met throughout my life - you're heavensent. To me you are. Even though it's been a while.

Keep safe. I'll be waiting here for and answer.  And I'll always be your near-sis as you are mine.

Love always,

Nicole. "



And I can't help wondering - where did it all come from? But here I am. Alive, free, invincible, vunerable... Living. Hoping. Breathing.

Jump.